God’s Strategy for a Stable Marriage

MESSAGE TRANSCRIPTION: 

Good morning Eastside. You know, for the 9:30 service, Virgil came up and said worship was off the chain, and I’ve got a goal for us. Let’s make worship for this service even better than the last. There are a few things that I want to talk about. First, it’s just the momentum that’s going on in our church and in our community. I don’t know if it’s just me, but the student takes over. Last week was awesome. Can we give it up for the students? Not only that, but we’ve got tracks for packs coming up this Saturday. I don’t know if you remember, our goal was 300 runners, right? The goal was 300. Just talk to Tammy, and we’re at 376 or so. So we’ve already passed it. We’re going to get to 400. And that’s an invitation to, by the way, if you haven’t signed up, we need you to go and sign up and walk, run, or just come and hang out for the track’s four packs that Saturday at the Richmond Center. A couple of things, we’ve got some baptisms going on later, so let’s praise God for that. That’s going to be great. And also, the new sermon series we’re starting this morning. Great morning to be here because starting a sermon series called For Families, and Virgil brought it at 9:30. He’s got a great message for us I’m really excited. The last thing I want to say is, as we all know, yesterday was a day that was tough in that it was the 20th anniversary of 9/11. So Eastside is not only for families for the community but for first responders and were for our country. So we’re going to take a moment of silence, and I’m going to pray. We’re going to get right back into that worship. So have a moment of silence with me, please. God, Thank you so much for the opportunity to come together. As believers and as people who have gone through some stuff, but also seen some great things in our lives happen over the recent years and recent months. God, thank you for this momentum that is building for your kingdom. And thank you for all you’re doing in our community, for the baptisms that are going to happen today, for the message for the families who are going to be touched by your words and the worship together. God, I just pray for you to enter this room and be with us today as we have this service. And your loving name. Amen.Well, as we continue in worship together this morning, we get to celebrate people who have taken the step of putting their whole trust into God and showing all of us today. An outward expression of that inward commitment. So this morning, we want to celebrate with Briana and Katie that step for them.

You know, one of the fundamental beliefs that I possess. I don’t know about you, but this is to the core of my being that God is always at work. He’s at work right in you. He’s at work with the people in our community, the 80,000 people who have said no to God. I believe that God is at work in their lives, wooing them, orchestrating things. They may not feel it. They may not know it. They may not understand it. If we don’t believe that God is at work and that God is moving, that he’s trying to make a way. Then we should just close the church and call it quits. But I believe that God loves those people in this community and in this world so much that He’s moving heaven and earth to get them into a relationship with Him. And this is the reason why we are for Madison County. This is the reason why we’re for central Kentucky is because we believe the best thing that a person can do on this side of heaven is live all in life for Jesus. The sermon is going to be interesting if we’re all in and the thing that we cherish more than anything else. That’s the only thing that matters is us living it all in life for Jesus. If we don’t believe that’s the best thing for the people in this community, that their stories matter. There are people out there this morning that their stories actually matter, but they don’t believe that. We get an opportunity to be for them. This is a reason why we’re doing the sermon series for families because I believe that the world says that you don’t have to worry about family. You don’t have to worry about relationships. But it does matter. If you’re new around here, I’m Virgil Grant. I’m one of the leaders. I’m glad that you’re here with us today, whether you’re on campus or you’re online. We’re just excited that you’re here. If there’s an arena of our lives or an area of our lives that we need to understand that God is for us, it is for our families. Because what happens is, as you grow closer and closer with someone in a relationship, the more and more conflict that you will have. Therefore, when you think about marriage, the husband and wife, the closer that you get to each other, the more likely that you’re going to have conflict and stress in your life is pretty high, right? That’s the reason why divorce is pretty high. What I want to do today, I want to talk about how to have a stable marriage. In order to talk about how to have a stable marriage, we have to talk about some great stresses in marriage. There are three of them.

Three Great Stresses in Marriage

A lack of CONSIDERATION

A lack of COMMUNICATION

A lack of COMMITMENT

These three things can derail any marriage or any relationship. Now, some of you may be planning on getting married one day. You need to take notes on this message. Some of you, like me, You’ve been married for 30 to 35, 40 years. This is a refresher course for you or a sermon for you. For others of you that are here this morning, the reality is that you’re here not by accident but by divine will that you’re here today because your marriage is tanking, and you need some help. God brought you here this morning for this. Or maybe God brought you here this morning, and your marriage is great, but you know someone, your neighbor or coworker or family member, and their marriage is tanking, and you are here today, so you can take notes and you can encourage them. These three things can derail any relationship, a lack of consideration, a lack of communication, and a lack of commitment. What we’re doing is that we’re actually taking an in-depth look at Ephesians Chapter four and Ephesians chapter five, and the summary verse for these two chapters are found in Ephesians 5:33. And Paul says.

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

EPHESIANS 5:33 (NIV)

Out of this, some reverse in these two chapters, we have three things that you can do to have a stable marriage. Number one.

BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS

Be considerate of others. Be considerate of your spouse. Be considerate of each other. Husbands love your wives. Wives respect their husbands. Act lovingly toward each other, treat each other with respect, and treat each other with dignity. Do not act out of your own selfish desires. Now, when we talk about being considerate of others. You have to think about the often we’re inconsiderate of each other. Now, how many times has your spouse made a decision on the schedule and decided to change the schedule at the last moment? And when he or she changed the schedule, they did not think of the implications for you and all the ways that it’s going to impact you. A lot of times, you don’t want to change the schedule because it’s best for me, and we’re inconsiderate of your spouse and the way that the schedule will impact him or her. For some of you, you’re inconsiderate of your spouse because when you saw your future spouse you got married, you said to yourself, I’m going to change him or her as soon as we get married. And so what happened was that you got married, and your spouse developed a personal development plan for your life. And she or he said, you know what? Not only do you have a personal development plan for them, but you are also going to be their personal coach and will be self-appointed, and I’m going to help him or her to change everything about them. And then, you begin to implement the personal plan of development, and they resist. They don’t like it. They throw up red flags. And you throw up your hands and go, Well, I cannot understand why you would not want to be on my personal development plan that was created for you. And the reason why is because you’re not being considerate of them. Now, folks, when we talk about being considerate of others, there’s also this thing of being inconsiderate. But how can we be considerate of one another? If you’re online, there are three things that you can do. Number one is that you can accept each other’s differences. Now, let me just say something to you. If you’ve got an upcoming marriage or you want to get married, and you want me or someone on our staff to officiate the wedding, we require premarital counseling. And the reason why we require premarital counseling is not to tell you that you’re incompatible and it’s not going to work or anything like that. You know that you can’t do that. And we’ve never done that. But we’ll get to know people. And then, at the end of the third session, we actually ask them about their relationship with God because this is an opportunity for us to develop into spiritual conversations. It’s amazing to me, after doing hundreds of weddings, the sense of humor that God has. I don’t know if you’ve ever witnessed this or not. But God has a tremendous sense of humor. He will take two people that are completely opposite of each other and put them into a relationship with one another. Does anybody know what forgetting means that what I’m talking about here? I mean, like, one of you is an early riser. The others hibernate till noon. One of you is impulsive and daring. The other is cautious and reserved. One of you is very romantic. The other is a dud. Right. One loves to spend money, and the other one is a tightwad. Correct. ?One is always punctual on time. Well-planned, well-organized. The other one is always late. One loves to talk and tell stories, and the other one is quiet as a mouse. Know, folks, listen to me. It is amazing to see how God takes two opposite people. He brings them together in marriage, and when they come together, these differences friends can either be a stepping stone or a stumbling block in your marriage. And here’s what the apostle Paul says in Romans chapter 15.

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

ROMANS 15:7 (NIV)

It’s amazing that we want people to accept us, but we won’t accept others on conditions that they change. And folks, listen to me if both of you are thinking the same thing, then one of you are not essential. One of you is not needed. And here’s the thing. God loves differences. It’s like when I eat a salad or eat a steak. I have a fork in the knife. I don’t use two knives or two forks because why the fork in the knife actually brings balance to the meal and to eat the steak and the salad and the same thing in a relationship. God brings differences together to bring balance to the relationship. The things that I’m weekend. You are the themes that rose my wife is strong in and vice versa. If we don’t, we don’t cook. We do compete with one another. We actually complete one another and complement one another. So we have to accept one another. The second thing that you can do.

How can I be considerate of my mate?

Be NICE to each other.

This is actually thinking positive thoughts about one another. It’s about sending a message. It’s about sending a text message. It’s about making a phone call. It’s actually reaching out and letting your spouse know that you’re thinking of him or her. And folks, here’s the thing that I believe if there was more courting taking place in marriages, there’d be fewer marriages in court. And what happens is that when we get into a dating relationship, we put our best foot forward. We’re kind, we’re considering, we’re thoughtful, we’re doing all the right things. And then we get engaged. Then we get married. And then, after a year of marriage, we become complacent. And we don’t bring our best game to the relationship. Folks, it’s very important that you understand that you have to accept. One another’s differences. You have to be nasty to each other. And number three, we need to be sensitive of each other’s needs and feelings. Everybody needs support. Everybody needs appreciation. I love what Mark Twain said.

“Sometimes I can go two weeks on one good compliment.”

Mark Twain 

We’re to complement each other. We’re to build each other up. We all need affirmation. We all need to feel appreciated. The reality is, is that sometimes we cannot appreciate we cannot affirm our spouse because we’re so absorbed within ourselves. Paul said You want to have a stable marriage. The first thing that you have to do is to do this is be considerate of others. The second thing that he says is this is communicating in love, speaking the truth in love. It’s important that you understand that communication is one of the primary problems in marriages. You know, I do a lot of marital counseling with a lot of different people. When I do that, the number one complaint that I have is about the lack of communication that’s going on in the marriage. Look what Paul says here in this next verse he says. Speaking the truth in love. Now, folks, that one principle that can change your marriage and the trajectory of your marriage is speaking the truth in love. It’s not in anger. It’s not in a rage. Talking about communicating. We go well. What are some principles of communication? How do we communicate in love? I love what Bernie Brown says. The bestselling author says to be clear is to be kind in your communication. To be unclear is to be unkind. And oftentimes, when we’re communicating, we’re not being kind. We’re not being clear. We’re just rambling. But notice Paul gives us so several examples out of this passage from Ephesians chapter four about how to communicate in love. Look at this next verse on the screen, if you will, from Ephesians.

“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

EPHESIANS 4:26 (NIV)

Let me ask you a question. How many of you, if you practice this verse, will lose nights of sleep over. Don’t raise your hand. I’m just playing. Don’t raise your hand. Some of you are ready to raise your hand? You know, if you practice this verse and you did not go to sleep with anger in your heart toward your spouse, you know what you would do? Some of you will lose a night of sleep a week. Some of you will go two or three days without no sleep. Do you know what would happen after two or three days of no sleep? You would decide to get rid of anger out of your heart. Look at the next verse, if you will. Look at this.

“Do not give the devil a foothold. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

EPHESIANS 4:27, 29 (NIV)

Notice what Paul says. When you speak, speak things that will build up your spouse. Speak words of kindness. Speak words that will build each other up rather than tearing each other down. And notice the last verse. He says.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

EPHESIANS 4:31, 32 (NIV)

Some of you. You’re here today, and you need to forgive your spouse. You need to extend forgiveness. But here’s the problem is that we cannot extend forgiveness. We cannot solve the problem. Do you know why we cannot solve the problem? Because we’re too busy placing the blame on each other. We’re too busy accusing each other. Rather than getting to the root of the problem and, as a result, bitterness and anger and rage and malice and slander, all these things begin to take root in our hearts and their lives, and their relationship becomes toxic. And Paul says, You know what? If you want to have a stable marriage, there are a couple of things that you need to do. Number one, be considerate of one another. Number two, communicate in love. But number three, he says.

DON’T GIVE INTO BLAMING

Do not give in to excusing your own behavior but accusing your spouse of bad behavior. And folks don’t know about you. But there are several ways that we can blame one another. And it happens all the time. And sometimes, it happens in an innocent way. But it happens. The first one is.

Exaggeration

Have you ever exaggerated in your communication with your spouse? I just wrote down a couple of things you never do fill in the blank. Have you ever said that? You always do fill in the blank. I’ve told you a million times. You exaggerate to make a point, and we assign blame in the process. Here’s another one.

Labels

We label each other, and we don’t mean to do this, but I guarantee these next three sentences, I’m going to say you’ve all used them. Number one, get it yourself helpless. What are we doing? We’re labeling each other. Right? By saying that. All right, what about this one? Smooth move, klutz. Oh. Well, what about this? Yes, sir, Great and mighty, whatever you say. Right? My wife has never done that to me, but some of you probably have experienced it. Well, you get the point. We just label each other all the time. The third one is this.

The family historian

There’s always someone in the family who can remember every word that has been said, every mistake made, every fault that it’s ever been committed. Not only do they remember them, but they have them categorized, fouled and retained, and ready to bring up in the snap of a finger. Does anybody know anybody like that? I wouldn’t raise my hand if I was you, you know. But here’s the thing. They can remember everything. And because, why? They’re the family historian and the final way that we blame people. Is this that we have loaded questions. Loaded questions are questions that there’s no way that we can answer. For example, can you do anything right? How do you answer that question? I don’t know. You know. Oh, he’s the one that I get a lot. Why can’t you act like a normal human being, right? I mean, like. I mean, like, how do you answer that? You know, parents even ask kids. Can’t you just act normal for once in your life? I just think about this. These are the things that we do. Now, folks, Pual says, you want a stable marriage. You got to communicate. He says you have to communicate. Love you. Be considerate of one another. You got to stop blaming. Now. Let me just kind of bring it all together with one final teaching. When we talk about healthy relationships when it comes to marriage, there’s one area that causes the most confusion, and it’s around the. The identity of the roles of a husband and a wife. There’s role confusion on who’s to be the leader of the house. How is that going to work out? Most men, I can’t tell you how many men they will text me. They will call me, and they say, Hey, Pastor, where’s this verse? Ephesians 5:22.

“Wives, yield to your husbands, as you do to the Lord.”

EPHESIANS 5:22 (NCV)

Now, I have that all the time when I’m going, Whoa, whoa. Why do you want to know this? Because here’s the thing, men. When you want to know that verse, you’ve got to understand the verses that follow it. You got to understand verse 23, verse 24, verse 25, verse 31. There’s a whole lot more to this than that. But in most of the conversations, most of the conflict comes around that wives are asked to submit to their husbands. Now, what does that even mean? What does that even look like? Now, let me just say this woman. As Paul addresses this issue underneath the influence of the Holy Spirit, he gives the women three verses and 51 words. Go back and count it. Men were so hardheaded. God doesn’t give us three verses. God doesn’t give us six verses. God gives us verses and 155 words because we are slow; we’re hardheaded. Now look what it says in verse 25 and Ephesians 5:25, it says.

“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.”

EPHESIANS 5:25 (NCV)

Now, here’s the question. How does Christ treat the church? Christ did it three different ways. On the screen, they’re going to come up with Christ, the three things to love the church and to lead the church. I’m skipping the next verse. Keep going next verse. Sorry, I’m skipping it. Next slide. There we go. How does Christ treat the church?

How Does Christ Treat the Church?

1) He puts it first place in His life

2) He did everything to meet its needs

3) He gave His life for the church

Men, do you want to be the leader of your home? Then what does it mean to be the leader of your home? It means to be the servant of your home. It means to do these three things is to put your wife first behind God. Do whatever you need to do to meet her needs and give your life for your wife. And let me tell you something, men. If you would practice what Christ practiced, your wife may not agree with every decision that you would make, but she would follow you to the ends of the earth. If you would act like Christ as Christ loved the church. Though your wife would follow. We’re falling behind in that. Look what it says is crossed with all of these things, and you want to be the leader. It means that you’re the servant. Look for back with me again and Ephesians 5:22.

“Wives, yield to your husbands, as you do to the Lord.”

EPHESIANS 5:22 (NCV)

The problem with that word is most people don’t even understand what the word submission even means. It does not mean to be a slave. It does not mean to be passive. It does not mean to be a doormat. It is not mean that you’re inferior. It doesn’t mean that you have an opinion. But what it does mean. It means that you’re submissive. Just like Jesus was submissive to the Father. See, husbands, if we want to be the leader of the house, we got to be the servant. Wives were to be submissive to their husbands. What does that look like? Well, here. Let’s put the two together. Philippians chapter two begins in verse five.

​​”In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,

PHILIPPIANS 2:5-11 (NIV)

Before I show you that last verse, I want you to watch this video of a couple that is giving their testimony about how each side helped their marriage. So when I talk about how to have a stable marriage, some of you right now, your marriage is hanging on by a thread. Because there’s been a major crisis. COVID has caused tension in your relationship. And here’s the one thing that you need probably above everything else. Ephesians 5:31 and Paul talk about commitment here in Ephesians 5:31.

 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

EPHESIANS 5:31 (NIV)

Here’s the deal, some of you that are here this morning, your marriage is tanking, and it’s tanking fast because of a crisis, because of a rebellious child, because of COVID financial issues, and a thousand other different reasons. Right? And the reality is. You’re not committed to your marriage. You’re not committed. You know how I know that? Because some of you, you’ve got a parachute under your bed, and you’re like, You know what? I’m ready to put that on. I’m ready to jump off. And jump out and leave my marriage and pull the parachute and leave. You know what? If I was you, if you want to be committed to your marriage, you will make your marriage work. See, there’s no stability in a crisis. If the other partner thinks that you’ll walk out at any moment. Know what I would do after that parachute away. But so do you go. I can’t do that, Pastor, because, in my last marriage, you know what? God is not really worried about your last marriage. God’s worried for you right now. At this very moment, God’s word is in the living, the present, and the active at this very moment. And for some of you that are here this morning, you’ve got an escape hatch, and it’s secret, and nobody knows about it except you. But you’ve got the key. Things get too heavy. Things get too, too much. I’m just going to take that key. I’m going to open the door, and I’m going to leave. And for some of you, the reality is that you’re here this morning, and you’ve already opened the escape hatch door. And you’re ready to crawl out. And Paul says they were to be committed to a relationship were to be committed to marriage. Can I tell you something? Rose and I made a decision that we were going to remain married, even if it meant that we were miserable for the rest of our life because we said yes. The Bible says that you. Yes, yes. And your. No, no. And the first two years. There’s hell. I’m just going, to be honest with you, I don’t know if we’re going to kill each other or what. And then I got prepared for this message, and we fought more in the last two weeks than we have in the last two years. And I’m like, Well, I’m not going to preach any more messages on marriage is too hard personally to be involved in that. But you know what? Here’s the thing, my friends, is it we’re committed. And when we’ve thrown the key and the parachute away, whatever the crisis may be, whatever the difficulty, whatever the chasm is, we know that we’re going to walk through it together, and we’re going to come out on the other side. Now, obviously, while I’m talking about being committed to marriage, I’m asking you to stay in an abusive marriage or something like that. But here’s the thing, my friends, some of you this morning. You need to throw away your parachute. Some of you, you didn’t throw away the key. And you need to go to your spouse and say, Honey, I’m in this for the long haul. Would you stand with me, please? Stand this morning. As we close out the message. And we sing our final worship song. We want to build our lives. Our relationships are marriage or family upon nothing other than Jesus Christ. Father, I ask that today that those marriages that are on the rocks are tanking. It fathers that they would know that it’s okay for them to have marital problems. Rosen, we’ve been in counseling for the last couple of months because we want to get better at communication. There’s no stigma. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. This is the reason why we have life group leaders, and we have staff members to walk with each other. Because if we’re in a relationship, there’s going to be moments of testing. There are going to be moments of tension. And so, Lord, we’re all in this together to help one another. And so, Father, I just pray that. We would understand that you’re for us. And that you’re not against us and that you want us to build our lives upon you and you alone. Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.