The Fear of Commitment

MESSAGE TRANSCRIPTION: 

Well, good morning, Eastside. How is everybody’s Thanksgiving? Yeah, well if you’re like me, you’re trying to figure out how to get back on track tomorrow morning, right? Full of turkey this morning. Well, if you are new around here, welcome to our campus. My name is Carla Perry and we are so excited that you’ve joined us today. So this morning, I also want to remind you; if you missed the last three weeks of the sermon series that Pastor Virgil did, I highly encourage you to go back and to watch that. Didn’t he do an amazing job on God and Sexuality? Yeah, he did a great job and I just love the way that he was able to take a topic that is really difficult to talk about and present it with such grace and truth and love. And so if you did not watch it, you need to go back and you need to watch it.

So today we’re going to talk about a different topic. Today I’m here to talk to you about the fear of commitment. Whew, y’all are going to be a tough crowd today. So excited. So now before we go any further, I want to talk to the core of Eastside. I want to say to those of you that come here, you show up week in, week out the core of Eastside, you all are amazing. You show up, you serve, you’re committed in so many ways to what we’re doing here. And I just want to say thank you. A couple weeks ago, so many of you showed up to volunteer at the Food Drive. Many of you came up the hill, you went to the grocery, you bought food to donate to God’s outreach. And I just want to say thank you. And also, this week, I saw many of you buzzing around putting up trees, decorating, getting ready for the Christmas season and doesn’t it look beautiful?

Yeah, it looks beautiful. So thank you, thank you, thank you Eastside. Now there’s a couple other groups of people that are in the room today, and so some of you are saying: “Well, lemme tell you about commitment, Carla. See, I’ve been coming to Eastside for years and years and years and I’m done. I’ve committed, I’ve done all the things that I need to do in my Christian life and I’m just not going to serve anymore. I’m not going to commit to anything.” Others of you are what we call, “White knuckled.” Around here, you’re hanging on for dear life, like scared to death. You’ve got your heels dug in the ground and you’re thinking: “I’m out. I’m just not going to serve. It’s just not for me. I’m not going to commit to anything.” Well, before we go into the message and we start to unpack this, I think that it’s really important that we define what commitment actually means and what it doesn’t mean.

And so I was trying to figure out the best way that we could define this. So I thought it would be appropriate and helpful if I gave you an example of what commitment is NOT. Now, I don’t know about you all, but in my household we are huge college football fans, and what about those Cats yesterday? Yeah, I thought I was going to have to have another. I thought I was going to have to apologize for ’em, but I mean, if you’re a Louisville fan, sorry. But we’re excited. So we’re excited about college football today in the bluegrass. So this time of the year, what you often see is college football coaches losing their jobs. In this era of NIL, everybody goes crazy. When a coach gets fired, they start trying to wonder who’s going to commit, who’s going to decommit all the things.

And Texas A&M fired their head football coach a couple weeks ago, Jimbo Fisher. And the media went to go find their number one recruit to see what he was going to say. And this is what he said about his commitment. And I quote: “I’m still committed to A&M, but my recruitment is still open.” Now I don’t know about you all, but if that doesn’t tell us what commitment is not, I don’t know what does. I mean this kid, he’s completely contradicting himself. He’s saying he’s committed, but yet his recruitment is still open. See, I think he has a bad case of “FOMO.” Any of you all have “FOMO?” I do. Some of you are thinking: “What even is that? What is it?” It’s the fear of missing out. See these young girls on the front row, they know what it is.

I’m glad I got them. See, the fear of commitment, it’s really real in our culture today and people in our culture, they don’t like long term commitments. And so you hear phrases such as: “I think I want to keep my options open. I mean, I’ll come to your house if something doesn’t come along, that’s better.” Or in the church world, it looks like: “Hey, I might come to your life group tonight if something else better doesn’t come up,” or, “Hey, I would love to do that, but they haven’t released the time of the UK game yet and I got to see what time the Cats play first.” Maybe you’re saying: “I don’t commit because I feel stuck, I feel trapped. I don’t like being boxed in and I don’t want to commit just yet.” How about I pray about it?

Man, here’s the thing, do you really think that you need to pray and you need to ask God if he’s okay with you going to life group and being in relationship with other believers? Do you really think you’ve got to pray and ask God if he’s okay that you serve at a food drive or you bring food to donate to hungry people at Christmas? Do you really think you got to consult God and ask him if he’s okay if you serve inside of his church? No, God’s like: “Go do it, just go do the thing already, people.” He’s saying, commit. And some of you, you’re sitting here today and you’re thinking: “Oh great, here comes the guilt message. Why did I even tune in today?” Well, this is what I want to say to you. Please hear my heart. My heart is not to make you feel guilty. My heart isn’t to make you walk out of here and feel bad about yourself. My heart is to help you to see that as a believer and being on the all in journey with Jesus, is that he created you for a life of commitment. The commitment is vital and it is important to being on the all in journey. People miss out on joy and purpose in their life because they are fearful of commitment. So this morning, we’re going to start by looking at:

Why is commitment important in your life? And the first reason that it’s important is:

It reveals your values.

See the things that you and I choose to commit ourselves to, they reveal what’s actually important to us. Our time, our energy, our money, all of our resources, they reveal the priorities in our own lives. If I went around the room and I asked everybody: “Tell me what your number one commitment in your life is,” I think I would probably get mainly two answers. The first is my family. My family’s my number one commitment. They’re my number one priority. But yet if I were to look inside your calendars, we were to look inside your daily life, there’s no margin for your family. There’s no margin for your family time for you to actually engage in meaningful conversation and spend time with your families. And I am guilty of it too, my friends.

Then the second answer I think we would get is: God’s my number one priority in my life, but yet your prayer life is empty. See, you’re not growing in your relationship with God. You’re not consulting with him. You’ve forgotten how to read, pray and listen to the Holy Spirit in your life. And there’s many reasons why that happens. But what you commit to, my friends, it reveals what you value. Commitment is a choice and it is bigger than just affecting your own lives. Your commitment affects the people around you. And there are so many things in this world that are trying to compete for our attention, that are trying to get us sidetracked from what our actual values and our beliefs are.

And I love how Paul says it in Romans 12:2. He says:

“Don’t copy the behavior and the customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for your life, which is good. It is pleasing and it is perfect.”

Romans 12:2 (NLT)

Paul says: “The world’s trying to distract you, and I’m telling you that God wants to transform you.” That’s what Paul is saying to us, and you have to choose. We can’t choose for you. Looking at what you choose to commit to; it will actually tell the world what you consider to be valuable. And some of you are saying: “Well, I’m just the kind of person that I don’t ever commit to anything.” And this is what I would caution you about my friends. If you are that person and you’re not committing to anything, it can lead to a selfish heart; and a selfish heart begins to place things of value above the relationships in your life. It is not good.

Now, the second reason why commitment is important in your life is:

It shapes my character.

Your commitments determine what kind of person you will be. See, you need to choose the commitments carefully because you are the summation of your commitments. Proverbs 23 says it like this:

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

In other words, if you think making money is the most important priority in your life, guess what can begin to happen? You’re so focused on the money aspect that you begin to elevate money above people. Maybe it’s your next promotion at your workplace and you’re thinking: “If I can get that next promotion, then maybe just maybe I’ll make it.”

And that begins to become your number one priority. And before you know it, you’re staying late at work. You’re not spending time with your family. You actually come home from work, you go in your office, you shut the door and your promotion becomes your priority over spending any time with your family. Moms, I might step on your toes on this next statement. If being a mom takes priority over being a wife, it shapes your character. I’m not saying that being a mom should not be a priority. It should be. I’m a mom of a 23, 22 and 13-year-old. And over the years, I’ve learned that the best gift I can give my kids is a solid, healthy growing relationship with their father. Dads, maybe beers with the boys and your golf outings. Maybe that’s your number one priority. I’m not saying you shouldn’t hang out with your guy friends. You absolutely should go do those things. But what are you willing to sacrifice all your time for? If all your time becomes those outings, then how does your family feel? They need to know, my friends, that you’re committed to them.

The third reason that your commitments are important is:

They determine my destiny.

Have you ever just considered, for a moment, the path that got you where you are today? See, I bet that if you and I could look back to a single moment, maybe multiple moments in our lives where we’re faced with a decision, we could figure it out. I call ’em “crossroad moments,” where we could go left, we could go right, but that decision that you make at that crossroad changes the entire destiny for the rest of your life. Maybe it’s a decision to go work somewhere else. You’re raising your family in a new community. For you college students, it’s where you’re going to go to college.

You’re likely going to meet your future spouse. Are you going to stay there? That’s what I did. God gives you the freedom to choose your decisions in life, but it is vitally important that we stop and we consider his ways above our ways; that we listen to the nudge and the people that he has put in our life. I love this next verse in Mark chapter eight. It says:

“And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but you lose your soul in the process of it? Is anything worth more than your soul?”

Mark 8: 36- 37 (NLT)

My friends, is anything worth more than that? I want to share a story with you about myself. So I didn’t become a Christian until I was 20. I didn’t grow up in church. I wasn’t a believer. I became a mom and a wife at the young age of 21. So on paper, I’m not qualified to speak to you today on this stage. I didn’t go to seminary, I didn’t grow up as a believer, as I said. But 16 years ago, I was looking for a job. I was trying to figure out how I could help my husband, Brad, provide for our family better. And I had an interview and I got offered a job and I was getting ready to accept it and I get a call from Virgil, and he asked me to come in and meet with them. I had no idea what he wanted. He offered me a job. He offered me to come on staff. I promise you that was the last thing that was ever on my mind. I had zero desire in my life to become a staff member on a church, but God gave me insomnia, I say. And I accepted the job and here I am today.

And since then, what I know now, looking back, is God put people in my life. There were certain crossroad moments that I yielded to the Holy Spirit and I said yes to. And because of that I’m here on this stage able to speak to you today. I’m thankful for the courage that I had. Last week, we saw 29 people baptized. I mean I think we need to give it up for that again because that’s amazing. And we had one in the first service, again, and we have a second one here in a moment. And when I think about all those people, I think about those crossroad moments that they all experienced. Those moments where they said yes to an invitation to be here. They didn’t know it was open baptism, they just yielded. They accepted the nudge from God to put them here that day where they made a conscious decision to commit. Their baptism, that day, was an outward expression of an inner commitment to living the all in life and this commitment to seeking the all in life; it’s their next spiritual step along the way.

In other words, my friends, every time you and I make a choice, not only does it have immediate consequence, but it has an eternal consequence. The choices that you make, they don’t just affect you; they affect your family, your kids, your spouse, your siblings, your parents. It affects your coworkers, your social group. It affects the people that are sitting next to you today in this service, our choices determine our destiny, not just for us, but the people that we love. They are real people facing a real eternity. So I ask you, what are your current commitments have for you? How are they showing up as it plays out in the destiny of your life and shaping others? Maybe if we looked at it in percentages, it would be 80/20, maybe 50/50. for some of you, maybe it’s zero.

And what I would say to you is that is okay. Because today is a new day and you can make a commitment today. So we’ve talked about the importance of making commitments. They reveal our values, they determine our destiny. So now I want us to look at why is it that we fear commitment? Why do you and I fear commitment?

See, we’re often afraid of that word, and I believe that the first one that we’re going to look at today is:

Past hurts.

See, we’re afraid of making commitments because guess what? When we make commitments, guess what happens sometimes? We get hurt. Maybe you had a bad experience in a marriage and you’re thinking: “I am never going to commit today again. I’m never going to commit to love. I am out.” Maybe you experienced church hurt, and you’re here today. Well, my heart is to never talk about another church because we are all on the same team.

But I’m going to tell you that as a child, I experienced deep church hurt. I grew up and swore I would never go back to church again because of that hurt. But here’s the thing, my friends. I could have held onto that church hurt for the rest of my life. I could have let it determine my destiny and my future commitments, but I chose to let go and to allow myself to move forward from them. I would look very differently today if I hadn’t. See, all of us, we have past hurts. It’s part of living in a broken world. We’re all human. We have hurts, but you have control over your future. Your hurts, they are in your past. They don’t have to be in your present and your future unless you allow them. And one of our sayings at Eastside is it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not be okay my friends, but then we often follow that up with it’s not okay to stay there. See, you’ve got to be able to face your past hurts. You’ve got to be able to deal with them and ask God to help you let go of them so that you can move forward in your commitments because you are missing out on the blessings that God has in store for you because you’re not willing to commit and let go of the fear of it. The second reason that we fear commitment is:

Self-doubt.

Many of you’re here today and you have made your self-doubt in your mind. I mean, we all struggle with self-doubt. For me, this is what self-doubt looks like. It’s in my head saying: “Carly, you’re not worthy.” It’s me sitting on that front row as I’m trying to prepare myself to get up here and talk to you today that I hear the voice in my head say: “You’re not capable. People aren’t going to listen to you. What you have to say has no value to it”

And I began to have self-doubt play over and over and over in my head. Remember, I’m not qualified to speak to you today. I don’t even have a college degree, but if I had not allowed God and the people around me to help me walk through the self-doubt that I was facing and that I continue to face, I sure would not be here. I am a woman in Richmond, Kentucky, in the Bible Belt of the South, giving you a message today. Now that is self-doubt, my friends, anybody else have it? Y’all lying If you say no. See, Virgil shared something with me a while back and I love this. I think it’s relevant for our message today. When you’re hired at a position, you’re actually hired to do two things.

The first thing you’re hired to do is the actual job you get paid to do. The second job that you’re hired to do is to hide all of your inadequacies, hide all your hangups, hide all of your imperfections. Just keep those away. Nobody wants to talk about ’em. But guess what? Here at Eastside, we see all your hangups, we see all the issues, we see all the inadequacies, and guess what? We don’t care. We have a saying that says no perfect people… Oh, you all sound sad about that? Come on. No, perfect people allowed. That’s our saying around here because guess what? None of us are perfect. And if, by the way, you’re here today and you’re perfect, I hope you can find another church full of perfect people. So hanging on to self-doubt is not good for us. I’m going to share with you a verse that I’ve often hung on to for myself. I’ve memorized it and I love it. It is such a beautiful reminder. It says:

“Don’t be afraid for, I’m with you. Don’t be discouraged for I’m your God…” Friends, he is your God. He says: “…I will strengthen you. I will help you….” This is my favorite: “…I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10 (NLT)

God says: “You know what? You’ve got self-doubt. I know that because you live in a world that wants to make you believe that you are not good enough. But guess what? I’m your God I get the final say. I get to say that you win. So let me hold you up. Let me give you strength. Let me help you.”

The last reason for a fear of commitment is:

Perfectionism.

Now, this isn’t the kind of perfect that I was referring to just a few moments ago. This is not thinking that you’re perfect. This is what the definition that I found says. “Perfection is always insisting that everything be right before you make a commitment.” See, perfectionism is seen as a positive trait in our society today, but this is what I read. It says: “Perfectionism leads to stress, anxiety, depression, which leads to difficulty in making commitments in our lives.” Counselor and podcaster, Julianne Cusick says it like this:

“Done is better than perfect.”

– Counselor and podcaster Julianne Cusick

My husband, he’s a perfectionist on every project he does, so I’m going to use this line: done is better than perfect. If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done, my friends. Look what this next verse says about it:

“Farmers who wait for perfect weather will never plant. But if they watch every cloud, they never harvest.”

Ecclesiastes 11:4 (NLT)

What is God saying here? God says: “Friends, there’s never going to be perfect conditions. You live in a broken world where things are not perfect.” And over the last 15 years, I have heard every single excuse under the sun. I’ve heard people say things like: “Well, one of these days, I’m going to make a commitment to what’s important in my life.” Friends, I promise you, you are not promised tomorrow. You’re not even promised the next five minutes. What are you waiting for? Move forward and make the commitment. This one is my favorite. I love it when people say: “Well, when things settle down, if I can just wait three more months and things settle down, I’m going to commit.” Who are you kidding? Have you looked around at the world? Everybody’s busy. But what are you choosing to make a priority for? See, you control your calendar.

You get to choose what you put in it. God is giving you the chance to make a choice. We’ve all heard the saying: “The perfect day to plant a tree was a hundred years ago, and the second best day is today.” Today is the next best day to make a commitment. So really quick, let’s just recap. So why is commitment important? They reveal my values, your commitments shape your character and they determine your destiny. And why is it that we fear making commitments? We fear them because of past hurts, self-doubt and perfectionism. So now what? I mean, what are you supposed to do with this information? Well, for some of you here today, maybe you’re watching online. Maybe you need to take a next spiritual step. Maybe it is baptism, it’s going to grow. Maybe it’s just coming through the doors of the church if you’re watching online.

But for some of you, there’s a few of you in the room and you’re thinking: “Well, I need to take my next step in serving.” And here at Eastside, we don’t just ask you to serve because you’re feeling a spot or we need a job to do. That’s not how it works. See, over the last 30 years we’ve been doing this thing called church, and we’ve witnessed and seen what happens to people. Many of you sitting right here when you choose to step into what God has given you. See, you didn’t just get your talents from reading a book, a self-help book or listening to a podcast. Guess what? God gave you your talents. He gave you your giftings and they belong to him and he needs you to use them inside of his church because people are facing a real eternity. See, I talk to people all the time about their next steps and sometimes I ask them to make a very specific commitment.

Sometimes it’s I want you to go to life group. Sometimes it’s I think you should be a life group leader. Sometimes it’s generosity. But today, I’m asking you to make a serve commitment. Why am I asking you? Because I know that it is a vital part of your all in journey with Jesus. Because I know the heart change that you’re going to experience when you are living with joy and purpose in your life. And here’s the thing, friends, you’re never stuck. If you get back somewhere serving and you think: “Oh, this is not for me. I messed up.” It’s not a life sentence. We’re not going to make you stay there. We’re not a cult. We’re going to say: “Okay, let’s figure out where it is that God wants to use you.” Because when you find that spot, when you find that place, I promise you that you’ll experience something you’ve never experienced before.

I was doing some reading and I came across this term and it’s called: “The Helper’s High.” And I thought: “Well, what is that? What does that mean?” And so it was developed in the 1980s and this is what the definition said: “The Helper’s High is the name given to that feeling of wellbeing, that follows an opportunity to extend an act of kindness.” It can be donating money to a charitable cause. It can be volunteering in a meaningful setting, showing up to donate food at the food drive, whatever it is. But lemme ask you a question. For those of you who are currently serving and feeling like you have joy and purpose, do you often show up? And when you leave, you go: “Golly, I got something out of that. More out of that than the people I was actually there to serve.” That my friends, is called “The Helpers High.”

And why is that a real thing? Because when you do something that is bigger than yourself, actually your body releases endorphins and you begin to feel good. You begin to feel positive about what you just did. Why is that? Because that is how God created you. And if you are here today and you are not living in your purpose, you are not going to experience purpose. And I’m challenging you today, if that is you, they’re going to put my personal cell phone. I promise it’s really mine. It’s not a robot, it’s my phone. I’m going to ask you, I want you to text me because we do everything in relationships around here, not on a code that you can sign up through. I want you to text me your name and I want you to say: “Hey, sign me up. I want to serve at one of those Christmas services in the month of December because we have so many options.”

We’ve got December 8th and 9th, 15th and 16th, we’ve got Christmas Eve services. I’m asking you to give one to two hours of your time because when you show up, I promise you’re going to experience The Helpers High. When you show up, we’re not going to ask you to teach, we’re not going to ask you to run the sound. We’re not going to ask you to do the cameras or anything like that that you’ve never done before. We’re going to sit somebody that’s going to walk with you through that evening or that morning. They’re going to walk with you through what it looks like to serve. We’re going to give you a safe spot. Just make the commitment. The only way that you and I can overcome our fears is to actually take a step forward, my friends. That is the only way you overcome the fear.

So today, I’m challenging you to be bold. I’m challenging you to let go of your fears. I’m challenging you to start controlling your destiny and make a choice. And ask God to help you make the choice. Let us pray.

Father, I just thank you so much for today. I thank you, father that you do give us a choice. But Father, sometimes we can get so confused with all the things battling our attention. And so Father, today, I pray that you would open our eyes, you would open our hearts, and you would just help us have the courage to just say: “Okay, I’m going to commit to you, Lord. I’m going to commit to your church. I’m going to do something that’s bigger than myself,” Because it’s my prayer that you’ll have the helper’s high this holiday season. In Jesus’ name, Amen.